Clarity in an unclear world

All of my life, I have been in search of clarity.

Clarity on who I am, what I want and where I’m going, but now after years of desperately chasing it, I’ve exhausted myself and here’s why…

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In all honesty, I have been anxious about the future since I was 17.

17 because up till that point there’s not much decision making to do, you’re young, naïve and just expected to follow the widely accepted way of growing up - get education, be good at rot learning and yada yada. (that’s a conversation for another day)

Anyway, the point is –

life in your teenage years is like life in black & white and the moment you turn 18, baaaaaam!

Life switches into this burst of colours you didn’t know existed and now what the hell do you with this sensory overload of a life that you’ve just found yourself in.

(I mean, I don’t know about y’all, but in retrospect it was this dramatic for me)

What hit me like a truck was the realisation of being in charge of my own life, which is both terrifying and freeing.

But more importantly, I was now in the position to choose.  

To Pick a career. To Pick friends. To Pick beliefs. To pick a life.

And at that very moment set in a fear so foreign to me, the fear of not picking right.

Not knowing where you’re going in life is a lovely thing to romantise but a terrible feeling to sit with, mostly because the “shoulds” of the world start to cave in, where you’re not only expected to know who you are but also where you’re headed.

So, like any thorough thinker, I took on life real seriously making sure whatever I decide, be it from what boys to date to what interests to pursue, I do it from a place of absolute certainty. Yet after trying multiple ways to achieve it, what it always brought me to was a “that’s enough” feeling rather than a “this is it” level of clarity.

This meant, when push comes to shove, my obsession of weighing my choices to seek clarity is overtaken by the urgency to take action, and it dawned on me that my life functions just fine without “absolute” certainty to it.  

Which brought me to question, what aspects of me indulge in the mental torture of putting a gun to my own head and expect clear-cut answers to questions I’m encountering for the first time in my life?

As my awareness of my own consciousness grew, I found myself coming back to certain realisations to tame my running mind -

1.Know yourself 

Imagine trying to climb to the second floor without climbing to the first, doesn’t make sense right? But that’s what human beings are trying to do all the damn time. How do you expect to know what ‘you’ want when you’re unaware of your own self? Cultivating a sense of self is an existential task, yet without it life feels like ground slipping beneath your feet, where you’re constantly trying to survive without any roots to yourself.

2. Face your shadows

Consistent obsession with clarity is a way of avoiding errors and not giving yourself enough grace to fail. Whose standards are you trying to please by falling into the fear of making mistakes? Are they your own? Or something you’ve picked up on?

3.Get support 

More often than not, it’s not the decisions that cause anxiousness but the feeling of being alone while making them and being robbed of any sort of support. For me, that support has come from realising the nature of life, that in a mysterious way I’m being taken care of and in return it asks for nothing. Not even my belief in it, because life happens regardless of what I think of it.

(But if you’re not as dreamy as me, just find your people and talk your decisions out, it helps break down the intimidating mountain we create in our heads.)

4. Embracing the nature of existence

Human beings are wired to live out of fear and chase ‘security’ and ‘certainty’ to feel safe, because of the way we have evolved. But today, the times are different and we are no longer required to operate on survival mode, yet humans have managed to keep this feeling alive because it gives birth to separation and desire. The realisation that made all the difference is knowing wherever I’ll be, I’ll be alright. To transcend this constant state of survival demands us to give up the idea that life can go wrong, and the illusion of separation which causes us to not trust life or anybody outside of ourself.

5. Invite play and ambiguity

As I reflect back, I realise that I gave simple life decisions so much power because I thought if I decide this right, it’ll sort my life out, as if a path will illuminate itself and all I’d have to do is follow it. But the thing is, there is no conclusion to decisions, because our choices spill over each other. Clarity has a sense of finality to it, but in reality, no feeling is ever truly final and trying to impose that on yourself is like choosing to be in a cage when the door’s wide open.

In a world where you’re supposed to be someone or somewhere at a certain age, where no matter how hard you try life keeps rushing you, it is courageous to slow down and give yourself a real chance to discover your true nature.

And if nothing works, (worst case scenario) it’s nice to remember what my favourite “philosophical entertainer” Alan Watts said, “Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.”

Alrighty,

This was a long one.

Feelings that linger on in my heart find its way on paper and become writing material for me, so thanks for sticking around.

I’ll be interacting in the comments, come say hi or share what you will.

Meeत