All of my writing up till now, I have written or come to from a higher state of awareness and a certain clarity of thought, but lately it’s been a task to connect with that part of myself.
I have been feeling the need to imbibe my own writing and what I try to say through it more than ever, to inculcate that state of awareness like a song I know by birth.
It is relatively easier to live life and deal with its shenanigans when you are mentally sitting in a holistic worldview and an expansive state of mind, where you see the duality of life and appreciate it rather than getting caught up on either side and enter the slippery slopes of mental hell.
But we are humans and this is life, and knowing about things is one thing and actively choosing to believe in those things as reality catches up is another…
So during days when I have felt caught up in my head about "earth-life things", I find myself locked in a mental room of all the hell stories I have created overtime about my life, from a time that I didn’t know any better, though some stories were important for me to live through and others I should’ve forgotten by now.
Even though I have long recognised these stories for what they are – an exhausting playground for my mental energy, I sometimes find myself right in the middle of these stories, like you know... you blink and you’re in one scene and then you blink again and you’re in another, and no matter how many times you blink, you fail to cut to a fresh new perspective even though you’re desperately looking for it, and you desperately know that perspective exists.
It feels like trying to get into a room that you have been denied access to, and you swear you know better than to be stuck in this story and that you have some psycho-spiritual explanation right at the tip of your tongue to make it all a bit more bearable, but you just can’t seem to place the right words, like it’s a code that you remember vaguely yet have a vivid memory of how it feels, and you’re betting on it to get you out of that mental room.
moving on,
Let’s say at some point, when I have pondered enough on it, I finally have the right thing to say to myself to comfort the part of me that struggles to see the light and I try to remember life outside of that mental room and hold on to it as I attempt to convince my own mind to let that door open and let me out.
I realise that my words don’t have much of an affect… it felt like I had found the keys and I put it in the lock but I realised that it doesn’t quite fit right, mostly because I am trying to appeal to a part of myself that doesn’t want to be appealed to, and all of my realisations of my life from a higher place of awareness seem incompetent at this point to help me out of my own creation, my own story, my own mental room.
So how does one deal with an experience that is familiar to the point where it feels like a weed that catches up no matter how many times you thought you outgrew it?
As I wrap this piece up, I did eventually find myself out of that room and I’d be lying if I say I know how I got here but what does help is accepting that if I try to appeal to any parts of myself during adverse emotions and rationalise them, it creates this space between me and what I am feeling in the moment and that makes it harder to let that moment pass by.
I dont know what part of the people reading this am i appealing to but in case you find yourself in a mental catastrope, attempt to accept the experience because when you decide to give up control, you will in some prospective, and enigmatically cosmic way have it.
Meeत
mhm, interesting